well. xanga entry. jenna inspired me to rant. so..here goes. FUCK. i'm once again in one of those modes were i just feel stuck. stuck in life, my ways, school, family, and just who people think i am. i am so content right now with who i am, and what i like, and my personality, and things like that, but its just like everyone else in the world makes me feel like i'm doing something awfully wrong, and i need to change it fast. or mostly that i'm just a bitch. but i am not really going to change, unless its just unneccisary meanness, because i feel like i'm just being honest. i think that at the end of the day, people would rather not be lied to. i hate not understanding things. i really dont understand julia and kelty. i dont get their relationship one bit, which makes it really hard, since they are two of my best friends. which totally sucks by the way. i hate the situation that puts me in, and i hate how they use it. i just hate being in the middle. and i hate how people say that. like oh rachel your like hte third person in hte relationship. its like I KNOW SHUT UP. people tell me htat i'm like their mediator, and where would their relationship be without me, and i have no idea waht to say. i hate it so much. and i also hate it how they both act like i'm some small deprived child who needs hteir loving care and protection. because i dont. i love them both so much, and really julia is one of hte best freinds i've ever had, but i just hate hte situation that i'm in with all of htat. and i hate the situation i'm in with guys, and just fairview people in general. i have absolutely no troubles liking people and forming bonds when its new people. like people i've just met. but if i've known them for longer than like a week, i block them out. which basically eliminates all hope in that respect. and i dont know how to change that. books books books. there are so many iw ant to read, and no time to do it. i really do nothing but read. i do hw at school, and then i come home read nap eat read sleep. and ilove it. but i'm sure that its not hte best use of my time. but i feel like it is. because i learn so much, and i enjoy it.b ut i really dont htink that anyone understands that. especially my family. they threaten to take away my books if i dont study, or watch a movie with them, and that scares me so much that i'd do pretyt much anything. threaten my books, and im in your hands.

all i want to do right now is blast ludwig van and scream.

Currently Listening Wolfmother By Wolfmother white unicorn see related

overwhelmed with everything. i havent updated in forever. i dont know whats up with me. everyday i notice more and more fucked up personalitly traits that i have, that prevent me from doing things. i avoid hanging out with people because i know i will get frustrated. i cant stand being in large groups. i just get angry. at the stupidest things too. i'm over opinionated. i have mild ocd.  i block people out. it hasnt bothered me in the past, but its starting to get to me, and i'm having trouble handling it. my fucking shrink doesnt help. she just tells me to change. and i try. but i cant do it. its not that i think things have to go my way, i just want tthem to be balanced. and correct. the way they should be. and living in a world where that never happens is killing me. AND i hate hte book i'm reading. usually books are my refuge. but i have to read this one, and i cant handle it. everyone is allways telling me to change, or correcting things about me. just knit-picking about my personality. and its driving me insane. INSANE.

some good concerts in the near future though.

Currently Listening Violent Femmes By Violent Femmes see related

i dont write in this often enough these days. unfortunate. i got my own computer. which is tight. i found a kurt vonnegut bag online, and its fucking wonderful. julia found two shrits, one had hte asshole, and one said "goodbye blue monday" which if you know me, you know how perfect that would be for me. but htey only had htem in XL. which blows. i would have bought one. i did kurt vonnegut for my hero for CSAPS. only two more CSAP days left in our lives. holy god. i took the last math one, which is slightly sad, because i enjoyed hte math ones. but hte reading and science and writing all blow. i also got geckos because my sister was killing htem because she didnt want htem anymore, so i took htem. they are leopard geckos and there names are hercules and pegasus. which are fucking awesome names. ok.

Currently Reading The Vintage Bradbury (Vintage) By Ray Bradbury see related

so..valentines day. gotta love it. dad got me chocolates, mom got me chocolates and some pants. kory got me a poem she copied from a book...

still got a cough, kinda sick of it. fuck that. so history day. made it to districts. which way surprises me cause there was some tough competition, and i didnt think my board was that snazzy. its probably just because i did it about blacks, and the judges liked that. but julia got in too, so we can be together on that saturday districts thing, so good times.

fucking tired as of late, but reading ray bradbury's collection of short stories, adn they are blowing my mind. fuck